Saturday, October 21, 2006

I feel so bad today. I feel like writing a long-ass post. But I just dont know how to begin.

First off,

Happy birthday to POOJHA! this officially marks her 13th year of retardationality.


Now, on to the sadder things in life..

THe sec 4s are all leaving. And not to say that I've grown attached to them... but I've been going through their blogs. It's just this feeling you get inside of you when you realise that someone's matured. It's not jealousy.. or at least I dont think it is. I dont know what it is but it's not a happy feeling. You can see and feel their posts becoming more and more reflective as the Os approach. And then you wonder, what will happen after the Os.... and you realise.. there's still 3 more years before I sit for my Os. WHat will happen to me. I'm not in any state to take the Os..Im not ready. Even though there's still 3 more years of reassurance and pain to endure, how will i ever be sure that I'm... ready.

And then comes that HOOBASTANK CONCERT that Im dying to go to. There's this one particular feeling that seems to have singled itself out and expanded within me. Im excited! So very excited that i've become scared. What if no one goes with me. Will I still have fun? What if I dont get my ticket. Will i hate myself for it? What if I dont meet them... will scorn take over? There are so many things that I WANT to believe will happen but will they happen. But Im going there to listen to GOOD music( and a hot guy<3) i really wanna go with Isis.. but lately she's been acting sad and all.. I'm scared that we might not go together.. or worse.. our friendship. but she'll always have a friend in me.. ( i feel so heroic) But Im mainly scared if no one goes with me. I'll probably die there or something. I need friends. I need society. I need sociable people. I need LOVE.

which brings me to my third issue.
LOVE. Not that I'm in love with anyone. I love everyone. My family, My friends, My dog, God.. But under the influence of all these romance novels and love movies Ive been watching. I can't help but wonder.. will I ever have get married... have kids? Or will I rot like an old spinster?How can I be sure that I'll find someone. There's no possible way.

But there's always something to be learnt. And from this post, I've learnt that I'm quite controlling. I've never really realised it but now in my teenage years.. I am... beginning to become quite controlling. I get scared or nervous if I cannot predict what's going to happen. This post has a sort of negative vibe to it but I cant help it. I feel the pain. I feel the gloom. I FEEL AFRAID. i need someone to hug. I feel lonely. Am I gonna die?

School's gonna be out soon. Will I crash and burn? Numerous leadership camps and prefect meetings not to mention debate camps and lalala... I've gotta work harder for next year. My results are nothing..................... and there it is.. the conclusion...

I am nothing.

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